How to Coach Someone Who is Defensive

Ever had a coaching session where your client suddenly puts up walls higher than a skyscraper? Then you realize you need to learn how to coach someone who is defensive?

Yeah, we’ve been there too. We’re Cass + Tee, business coaches and the co-founders of Lovely Impact. And trust us, we know better than anyone that defensiveness in coaching is like a surprise party – except no one’s having fun.

When clients get defensive, it’s not just a minor hiccup. It can throw a wrench in the whole coaching process, slowing down progress and leaving both you and your client feeling frustrated.

But here’s the thing: defensiveness often pops up when people feel threatened or vulnerable. It’s their mind’s way of saying, “Whoa, this is uncomfortable territory!”

As coaches, our job isn’t to bulldoze through these walls. Instead, we need to understand why they’re there in the first place.

Maybe your client fears change, worries about failure, or simply isn’t used to opening up. Whatever the reason, recognizing defensiveness is the first step in dealing with it.

So why does this matter so much?

Because breakthroughs happen when defenses come down. When clients feel safe enough to lower their guard, that’s when the real magic happens. They become more open to new ideas, more willing to explore their thoughts and feelings, and more likely to take action.

But let’s be real – coaching someone who’s defensive isn’t a walk in the park. It takes skill, patience, and a whole lot of empathy.

That’s why we’re diving into this topic today. We’re going to explore strategies that’ll help you navigate these tricky waters and turn defensiveness into a springboard for growth.

Ready to become a pro at coaching even the most defensive clients? Let’s jump in!

How to coach someone who is defensive – Setting the stage

Alright, coaches, picture this: You’re about to step into a session with a client who’s more guarded than Fort Knox. What’s your game plan? Understanding how to coach someone who is defensive starts with setting the stage.

Creating a safe space for open dialogue

First things first – we need to create an environment where your client feels safe enough to let their guard down. This isn’t about fancy Zoom backgrounds and breathing exercises (though those don’t hurt). It’s about the vibe you create.

Start by showing genuine interest in your client as a person, not just a project. Ask about their day, their interests, or anything that helps them see you as a real human being, not just a coach with an agenda. When they share, really listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak.

Be transparent about the coaching process. Explain what they can expect, and be clear that this is a judgment-free zone. Let them know it’s okay to say “I don’t know” or “I’m not comfortable with that.”

Give them permission to be themselves, warts and all.

Building trust from day one

Trust is like a muscle – it gets stronger with use, but you’ve got to start somewhere. From your very first interaction, show your client that you’re reliable and consistent. Do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it.

Share a bit about yourself too. Not your life story, but enough to show you’re human. Maybe talk about a challenge you’ve faced or a time when you felt stuck. This isn’t about making the session about you, but about showing your client that vulnerability is okay.

Be clear about confidentiality. Let your client know that what happens in your sessions stays there (unless there’s a risk of harm, of course). This reassurance can go a long way in helping them open up.

Remember, building trust isn’t a one-and-done deal. It’s an ongoing process that requires consistency and care. But when you get it right, it creates a foundation that can withstand even the strongest defenses.

By setting the stage carefully, you’re not just preparing for one session – you’re laying the groundwork for a coaching relationship where real change can happen.

Even the most defensive clients can become more open when they feel safe and trusted. Mastering how to coach someone who is defensive involves developing specific strategies to break through those barriers.

Next up, we’ll look at some specific strategies to break through those defensive barriers.

Strategies to break through defensive barriers

So, you’ve set the stage and your client’s still acting like you’re trying to break into their secret vault. Don’t sweat it! We’ve got some nifty tricks up our sleeve to help you crack that code.

Active listening: Your secret weapon

First up, active listening. This isn’t just nodding along while you think about what to say next. It’s about tuning in to your client like they’re the only radio station on air.

Try this: When your client speaks, really focus on what they’re saying. Then, before you respond, paraphrase what you heard back to them. Something like, “So what I’m hearing is…” This does two things: it shows you’re paying attention and gives them a chance to clarify if you’ve misunderstood.

Bonus tip: Pay attention to their body language too. Are they crossing their arms? Leaning away? These non-verbal cues can tell you a lot about how comfortable (or uncomfortable) they’re feeling.

The power of “I” statements

When you’re dealing with a defensive client, your words can either build bridges or walls. That’s where “I” statements come in handy.

Instead of saying, “You’re not making progress because you’re not trying hard enough,” try, “I’m noticing that progress has slowed down. I’m curious about what might be getting in the way.”

See the difference?

The first one sounds like an accusation. The second opens up a conversation. It’s not about pointing fingers; it’s about exploring together.

Reframing: A fresh perspective

Sometimes, all it takes to break through defensiveness is a change in perspective. That’s where reframing comes in.

Let’s say your client is beating themselves up for not meeting a goal. You could help them reframe it: “What if we look at this not as a failure, but as valuable feedback? What can we learn from this experience?”

This technique helps shift the focus from blame to growth. Learning how to coach someone who is defensive often requires navigating tough conversations like a pro. It’s like turning on a light in a dark room – suddenly, new possibilities become visible.

Navigating tough conversations like a pro

Okay, let’s face it – sometimes coaching gets messy. Clients might get defensive, conversations might get heated. But don’t worry, we’ve got your back.

Addressing the elephant in the room

When tension’s rising and defenses are sky-high, sometimes the best move is to call it out. Not in an accusatory way, but with curiosity and care.

Try something like, “I’m noticing some tension here. Can we talk about what’s going on?” This approach acknowledges the situation without placing blame. It invites your client to explore their feelings with you.

Keeping your cool when things heat up

When your client’s getting worked up, it’s easy to get pulled into that energy. But as the coach, your job is to be the calm in the storm:

• Take a deep breath.
• Slow down your speech.
• Lower your voice slightly.

These small changes can have a big impact on the energy of the conversation.

And here’s a pro tip: If things are really heating up, don’t be afraid to call a timeout. Say something like, “This seems like a really important topic. How about we take a quick break and come back to it with fresh eyes?”

Remember, coaching someone who’s defensive isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about creating a space where your client feels safe enough to lower their defenses and explore what’s really going on.

In our next section, we’ll dive into some practical exercises you can use to help your clients work through their defensiveness. These exercises are crucial when figuring out how to coach someone who is defensive.

How to coach someone who is defensive: Practical exercises

Now that we’ve covered the basics, let’s get our hands dirty with some practical exercises. These aren’t just theoretical concepts – they’re tools you can use in your very next coaching session.

Role-playing: Practice makes progress

Role-playing might sound cheesy, but it’s a powerful tool for working through defensiveness. Here’s how to make it work:

1. Swap roles: Have your client play the coach while you play a defensive client. This gives them a chance to see the situation from your perspective.
2. Scenario practice: Create a scenario where defensiveness might come up. Practice navigating it together.
3. Debrief: After the role-play, discuss what worked, what didn’t, and what insights your client gained.

The beauty of role-playing is that it creates a safe space to experiment with new behaviors. It’s like a dress rehearsal for real-life situations.

Reflection activities for growth

Sometimes, the best way to break through defensiveness is to step back and reflect. Try these exercises with your clients:

1. The defensiveness diary: Ask your client to keep a log of situations where they felt defensive. What triggered it? How did they react? What were the outcomes?
2. The alternate ending: Have your client recall a situation where they got defensive. Then, ask them to reimagine it with a different response. How might the outcome have changed?
3. The empathy flip: Encourage your client to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. How might the situation look from their perspective?

These exercises help clients become more aware of their defensive patterns and explore alternative responses.

When to take a step back

As coaches, we’re wired to push forward. But sometimes, the best move is to take a step back. Let’s talk about when and how to do that.

Recognizing your limits as a coach

Here’s the truth: You can’t help everyone all the time. And that’s okay. It’s important to recognize when a situation is beyond your expertise or when progress has hit a wall.

Signs it might be time to step back:

• Your client’s defensiveness isn’t improving despite consistent effort
• The same issues keep coming up session after session
• You’re feeling frustrated or burned out
• Your client’s needs fall outside your area of expertise

Remember, stepping back isn’t giving up. It’s about knowing when to shift gears or seek additional support. Knowing how to coach someone who is defensive also means recognizing when to refer them to additional resources.

The art of referring out

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a defensive client is to connect them with additional resources. This might mean:

• Suggesting they work with a therapist alongside coaching
• Referring them to a coach with specialized expertise
• Recommending workshops or groups that address their specific challenges

When you do refer out, frame it positively. It’s not about passing the buck, but about ensuring your client gets the best possible support.

Turning defensiveness into a growth opportunity

Alright, we’re in the home stretch! Let’s chat about how we can flip the script on defensiveness and turn it from a roadblock into a springboard for growth.

Think of defensiveness as a tough outer shell. Our job isn’t to crack it open forcefully, but to create conditions where it naturally softens over time. It’s like coaxing a turtle out of its shell – patience and a gentle approach work wonders.

One key strategy? Make talking about defensiveness a normal part of your coaching conversations. By bringing it into the open, you take away its power to disrupt. It’s like turning on the lights in a dark room – suddenly, what seemed scary becomes manageable.

And when your client successfully navigates a situation that would’ve previously sent their defenses sky-high? Celebrate it! Big time.

These victories, no matter how small they might seem, are the building blocks of lasting change. Successfully learning how to coach someone who is defensive often involves celebrating these small wins.

Now, let’s talk self-compassion. Many defensive behaviors stem from a place of harsh self-criticism. By encouraging your clients to be kinder to themselves, you’re helping to address the root cause. It’s like giving them a shield against the very things that trigger their defenses.

And here’s a pro tip: model openness yourself. Share your own growth areas and challenges. When you show that vulnerability isn’t weakness but strength, you give your clients permission to do the same.

Remember, coaching someone who’s defensive isn’t about winning battles. It’s about creating an environment where defenses simply aren’t needed anymore. It’s a gradual process, but with patience and the right approach, those walls can transform into bridges of understanding and growth.

Your defensive-busting toolkit

Now, let’s talk about some handy tools to keep in your back pocket for those tricky situations.

Picture this: you’re in a session, and you can practically see your client’s defenses rising like a fortress wall.

What do you do?

First, take a deep breath. Seriously. It sounds simple, but it’s powerful. Your calm energy can be contagious, helping to diffuse tension in the room.

Next, try acknowledging the defensiveness without judgment. It’s like holding up a mirror – when clients see their behavior reflected back neutrally, it often leads to self-reflection.

Open-ended questions are your friend here. They’re like keys that can unlock doors to deeper understanding. Instead of asking, “Are you feeling defensive?”, try “What’s coming up for you right now?”

And don’t underestimate the power of a well-timed bit of humor. It’s like a pressure release valve, often able to lighten the mood and create openings for more productive conversations.

Lastly, offering choices can be a game-changer. When clients feel a sense of control, their need for defensiveness often diminishes. Mastering how to coach someone who is defensive involves giving them a sense of agency in the process. It’s like giving them the steering wheel – suddenly, they’re more invested in the journey.

As for leveling up your skills? There’s a whole world of resources out there. Dive into books on nonviolent communication, check out workshops on emotional intelligence, or tune into podcasts where experienced coaches spill the tea on handling challenging client situations.

Final Thoughts

Coaching defensive clients isn’t always a smooth ride, but it’s one heck of an adventure. When you help someone lower their defenses and embrace growth, you’re not just changing a behavior – you’re transforming a life. And let’s be real, isn’t that why we fell in love with coaching in the first place?

So go on, coach, because now you know how to coach someone who is defensive. You’ve got the tools, the knowledge, and the heart. Time to turn those defensive walls into launchpads for growth and understanding. You’ve totally got this!